


you must know you are beloved

by angelfishofthelord



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel is Jack Kline's Parent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Epistolary, Gen, One Shot, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:22:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29727585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelfishofthelord/pseuds/angelfishofthelord
Summary: I wasn’t there when you were born, and I missed the first time you died.I wanted to be there both times. I planned to be there. I didn't know it would happen so fast.
Relationships: Castiel & Jack Kline
Comments: 11
Kudos: 15





	you must know you are beloved

**Author's Note:**

> This is me trying to stretch my writing muscles by writing something a little different. It's a letter written by Cas to Jack around 15x18 but assuming that Cas knew he'd have to summon the Empty to take out Billie. I hope that it's effective in hurting your heart at least a little :)

I wasn’t there when you were born, and I missed the first time you died.

I wanted to be there both times. I planned to be there. I just didn’t think you

~~There was this~~ ~~~~

~~I thought that I~~ ~~~~

I didn’t know it would happen so fast. The day you were born we just finished putting together the crib, the one you never got to use. We had a room set up for you, did you ever get to see it? You know I helped your mother choose the colors for your room. There aren’t nearly enough different pigments in the paint section of the store to accurately represent the full spectrum of colors, but I chose the ones that came the closest to the prism that I can see. That I knew you’d be able to see too. There is beauty threaded through every diamond of sunlight here, in every note of a falling leaf, from every dance of water running over your hands. And I knew that I would fight for you to be to witness to all that, all that world, all the life, ~~I would die to protect~~

Jack. I never wanted my death to be the first time you saw me.

I thought of you, before I died. Your name spun through my mind amid the fury of my grace burning out. Tiny fragments of thought fell between my last breaths and I tried to reach out to you with nothing with embers.

I’m thinking about you again now, knowing that I’ll be gone soon. You’re going to be alright this time, though. You won’t be alone and scared and huddled in the shadow of an unforgiving world. I’m going to make sure of it; I’m going to make sure that there are people who care about you there, standing by you. That you have a family and a home to call your own.

(do you know how happy you’ve made me)

I remember the first time you made me smile; it was before you were even born. I could hear the sound of your footsteps, exploring the dark of where your mother carried you. The sound of your grace, reaching for mine in notes soft and curious. I remember how strong you were. Before you ever even took your first step you rose up to shield me from harm. How you knit through the seams of my grace and there was nothing vile or vicious there, nothing but the warmth of purest love. I remember your voice seeping into my dreams in the Empty, like a gentle hand on my shoulder, waking me up to go and face the sun.

It all seems like eons ago. It’s only been three years.

Jack, your life is still so brand new, blossoming boldly even in these few years. Yet you have already suffered so immensely. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to shelter you more, that I couldn’t keep you from everyone who ever tried to hurt you. When you were dying the first time, I tried to heal you; I pushed every strand of my grace forward, willing them to touch and heal the wilting organs inside but they refused to reach out. (If it could have saved you) I would have given all of my grace, I would have let the blade cut and the waterfall run.

If it could have saved you I would have made the deal sooner, to spare you from having to die at all.

When you died I

I didn’t know that

I didn’t know you were going to leave us so soon. I stepped outside for just a moment. But as soon as I came back I could feel the vacuum in the air, the abyss filling every hollow of my being. Your absence was alive, a hurricane tearing through the spine of every echo in the hall. I know you didn’t want me to make that deal, but you have to understand. When you love someone like that, it’s not even really a choice. It’s instinct, it’s as true as a heart beating or lungs expanding to take in air. 

(humans would call it the natural order of life children should outlive their parents)

The second time you died I was there, right next to you, trying to stop it as it happened. You were screaming and my grace screamed back and our voices bruised each other. In the shattered second before you were snuffed out the last flicker of your grace reached for me, crying out in terror and I couldn’t grasp even that smallest part of you and save it.

I couldn’t save you. I had to burn your body. ~~You don’t know~~ ~~~~

~~maybe this isn’t what~~ ~~~~

there was a demon defiling it he tried to mimic your voice to deceive me and and I knew it wasn’t true but I wanted for a moment to believe it when he said 

He said “Cas.”

He said “Cas. Stop. Please.”

I wanted to believe that you were back, that you were hiding, perhaps in the recesses of your vessel, gathering strength to reemerge. I just wanted to be able to take you home. 

I burned you so no evil could ever corrupt your memory again.

You still followed me around, though. You were there in the desperate eyes of the parents who came to me for help; you were the wonder in the children’s voices when I healed them. You were the skip of light across the surface of the lake and the flip of fish tails that skittered from the toss of my line. You were in my dreams (angels don’t dream) whenever I closed my eyes I saw you and when I opened them you weren’t there. That’s a dream, isn’t it? Something you want to be real ghosting across the canvas of your mind, only to disintegrate at the light of reality.

I tried to go to Heaven to know if you were there, with your mother. It might have offered me some comfort, to know that you’d been spared the claws of nothingness. But the gates to Heaven were closed, the last few angels cowering there in fear from our Father. They wouldn’t even dare venture as far down as the edge of the gate to let me talk to them. I waited there for hours, begging for them to answer me. I even prayed to Naomi, hoping that wherever she was she might hear me and come down. But day ebbed into night and then back into day and I was still standing there alone, with no idea of where you had gone in your death.

Later, when you told me that you’d been in the Empty, the fear that I’d been keeping at bay crashed over me. That was the one place I didn’t want to believe you’d gone, the one horror I thought I had spared you from. You reassured me that Death had been there, and she had keep the Empty calm and quiet for as long you needed to remain hidden. But then you looked at me and said “I can’t believe that’s where you’re going to have to end up. It’s so dark. And endless.”

I squeezed your shoulder and told you it was okay. I wouldn’t be heading back there for awhile.

I didn’t know. I wasn’t lying. I didn’t know that I would have to return there so soon.

I didn’t know that it would come down to this, Jack. But there’s you, there’s Sam and Dean, there’s a whole world at stake and I’m not ready to lose everything. I can stop this from happening.

This time you can’t bring me back.

(you know that right)

I don’t want your last memory of me to be my death.

Remember the night in the motel of our first hunt? In Dodge City, while the brothers slept? You told me about what you’d done and seen since your birth. How you learned to recognize treachery and despair, and how you were shown compassion and understanding by those who could not possibly understand you. And I told you about your mother; about the long drives we took to shopping centers, and how she liked to play the children’s radio station so you could learn about why the sky is blue and the story behind Halloween costumes. How she would talk to you when we walked down the aisle, asking your preferences on the diaper brands she was choosing from or the kind of socks you’d want to wear. One time when we were in the breakfast food aisle I asked if you wanted chocolate or fruit loops and she said you kicked for fruit loops. Neither of them are healthy, she told me. “You better make sure he doesn’t get any cavities. If he can get cavities.” I think I always knew you were going to have a sweet tooth (you remind me a bit of your uncle Gabriel like that). Humans certainly do have the ingenuity to create the greatest variety of confections.

When I’m gone, make sure Sam doesn’t catch you eating at night. Dean, he’ll keep the cereal shelf stocked. He won’t tattle on you if he does notice the boxes emptying faster than usual. If any of them do end up confronting you about it, though, just tell them that I gave you permission. They’ll have a hard time refuting that.

They’re going to be a little different after I’m gone. Not like the time I died when you were born; back then they felt abandoned by everyone and throw in the midst of a tidal wave of questions and unraveling situations. This time, I’ll make sure to say goodbye first. I’ll help them understand why I have to go so that they can move on without me.

You can’t bring me back, Jack. I know that every cell of your being will be aching to try but you have to be strong. You have to be strong enough to not fight for me this time.

(its okay I know that you love me)

Remember that time when you were struggling with the loss of your soul and I told you we could fix it, we just needed time and a place to stay away from everyone else? You can still run away to that safe place in your mind. Whenever you miss me you can go there in your thoughts and I’ll be there. We can stay there and talk and no one will disturb us for however long you want. We can talk about the shows you’ve been watching, the one I never really understood when you showed me an episode but whenever you told me about it it always makes much more sense. You can tell me about how Sam’s teaching you to do research and translations. I wish I’d had the time to teach you more Enochian but Sam’s pronunciation is reasonably accurate. His grammar needs more work, especially when it comes to his verb tenses (don’t tell him I said that). His Latin is much stronger, you should be able to pick that up quite easily. And you can tell me about when Dean inevitably starts pulling you in for lessons on automobile repair. He’s tried to teach me many times but I never grasped the concepts well enough to apply it. I don’t think he ever approved of my choice in vehicles, either. Maybe you’ll take more after him in that respect; but if you want to drive my truck around, I’ll leave the keys with him.

I think you liked my truck. It’s not the same one I had drove your mother around in but maybe you remember how it felt. Remember when we sat there on the back of the truck bed the night before we went to investigate that community center? I said I could get us a motel to stay in and you said you weren’t tired and neither was I. You wanted to know about the stars, if the stories about how the constellations got their names were true or something that Gabriel made up to amuse himself. I told you that actually Balthazar also had a hand in spreading those stories. His favorite was the one about Bellerophon killing the Chimera and then dying from falling off his horse, which was actually based on a prank that Lucifer pulled on Raphael after one of the Heavenly battles (that’s what he claimed it to be, anyways). And I showed you Ursa Major and Ursa Minor and told you that the story of Zeus turning Arcas into a bear was really yet another one of Gabriel’s tricks on Raphael. They did love tormenting Raphael; I think that’s why he was so eager to secure power once his older siblings were out of the way.

“Do you ever miss it?” you asked. “Being in a big family with the other angels? Or being in Heaven?”

I told you there wasn’t much to miss anymore. It had so long since the angels had resembled any kind of family or home that would welcome me back. I do still think about them; I worry about our kind going extinct, and there’s an undeniable familiarity about stepping back into the halls of Heaven. I miss my wings and the flight that they afforded me; but then I’ve learned to enjoy driving or sitting in the back of a car. It’s slower, allowing me more time to appreciate the view, and spend time with the other passengers on the journey with me. 

You told me that night, leaning against my shoulder as your eyes closed, that one day when your wings were big and strong enough that you’d take me for a flight again.

I would have loved that. I would have loved to fly with you.

Maybe when your wings get stronger you can fly Sam and Dean around like I used to. Or “zap” them around as Dean called it. I wonder if they missed that kind of transport. Dean used to say it was annoying but then it did get them out of many “sticky” situations. I won’t be around for the flight you wanted with me but they’ll be there

They’ll be there.

After I’m gone it’s okay if you feel a little lost for awhile.

I felt like that too before ~~after the second time you~~ ~~~~

I kept on fighting, Jack, I kept on helping those who needed it and working with Sam and Dean. But it wasn’t the same. Even the good I did felt out of place, like I should have been somewhere else, with someone else. I thought that it would fade eventually but it never did. It just grew, quietly stretching into a chasm that I learned to accept as part of my life. Then I got the call about you and it felt like everything went tumbling down that wide gaping hole. I knew it was you, I knew, even before I saw you there in that church. Because I felt the wound closing inside, hope weaving stitches out of thin air.

You will find hope again. It may be where you least expect it but it will be there, holding out a hand for you to take.

(I don’t want to leave you Jack I don’t)

~~It’s going to be alright~~ ~~~~

I miss you. Just thinking about

Just thinking about it isn’t easy because

Remember that game we used to play? The one where whoever gets four of their circles in a row wins? I liked that game. So simple, yet a brilliant test of strategy. I think you always had a gift for that kind of thinking (if you were born back in the times of the Heavenly battles Michael would have given you a battalion to be in charge of). There were lots of different games we tried that afternoon; there was one with cards and one with dice and a board, but I think that one was my favorite. Even if you won every time we played.

Maybe you should challenge Sam and Dean to play it with you. I think you could win from them, too.

Jack

In all the centuries of my lifetime I have been many things to many. A soldier, a leader, a traitor, a brother, a rebel, a friend.

But being your father

You are everything your mother dreamed of and more. You are strong and kind and good. Never let the brokenness of the world make you forget the beauty. Never lose sight of the reason why we fight for those who cannot. Never forget that you are loved, now and forever.

(and don’t trust computers not completely)

Being your father has been the light of my life. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for everything. 

I hope you can understand.

Jack, I

I know. It’s okay.

I’m sorry. I love you

(so much)

**Author's Note:**

> Story title from ["Beloved"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqFsRt0uYzA) by Mumford and Sons. I also listened to [this playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0emy5VfOb3iFVPKb23aEP6?si=rxyyEMPSR9yueHq6aUdbYw&utm_source=copy-link) while writing this story.
> 
> Come say hi on my [tumblr](https://angelfishofthelord.tumblr.com/)


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